Divorcing a High-Conflict Personality

By Rose L. Hubbard, Attorneys at Law

Does every interaction with your spouse seem to be a conflict? Conflicts are a normal part of getting divorced. But some people would rather be a big part of the problem than a small part of the solution.

If your spouse or ex-spouse has issues with conflict that extend out beyond just the divorce conflict, you need to carefully consider each step along the way.

There is a difference between conflict that is normal and relates to the divorce, and someone who has a high conflict personality. You have to have different strategies for dealing with each type of person.

How Can I Tell If Someone Is A High Conflict Personality?

The high conflict personality has a psychological thinking disorder. Someone with a personal disorder has the following characteristics:

• An enduring pattern of behavior
• The pattern exists from early adulthood
• The pattern is rigid and unchanging
• It leads to significant distress or impairment
• It exists well outside the person’s cultural norms

What Are The Enduring Behavior Patterns Of A High Conflict Personality?

• Chronic feelings of internal distress
• Believes that the cause is external
• Behaves inappropriately to relieve the distress
• The distress continues unrelieved
• Receives negative feedback about behavior, which escalates internal distress.
• But thinks that something or someone besides themselves is the cause.
• Lacks insight to recognize own behavior.

The High Conflict Personality & the Legal System

The legal system is very attractive to someone with a high conflict personality ~ particularly regarding custody and parenting time issues. The conflict gives emotional satisfaction, even though the person may claim that they don’t want the conflict.

Having the conflict and pursuing legal action validates who the person is. It convinces them that they must continue to take court action because they are “right.”

High conflict personalities may be very convincing to a judge. The judge sees someone who is very emotionally intense, and believes very strongly in what they are saying. A judge may only have limited exposure to this person, and does not see the pattern that may take months or even years to develop.

What Can Happen To Me When I Oppose A High Conflict Personality?

As the person on the other side of a high conflict individual, being on the defensive can often make you look like you are part of the problem, rather than being the target of someone with a personality disorder. Worse, how you react to that person can further trigger their defensive mechanisms, and provoke further attacks.

If you are dealing with a spouse or ex-spouse who has issues with conflict that extend out beyond just the divorce conflict, you need to carefully consider each step along the way. The way you react to that person has to clearly set boundaries and avoid unnecessarily triggering their defense mechanism.

You can’t change the other person’s personality. All you can do is manage the conflict and minimize its damage on you and on your children.

Need More?

Take a look at the Chapter Summary for Sneaker Issues, #9 on Rose Hubbard’s list:
https://www.gettingpastuglybook.com/getting-past-ugly-chapter-summary-samples/

Buy the Getting Past Ugly book at:
https://www.gettingpastuglybook.com/product/getting-past-ugly-the-book/

Or on Amazon here:
https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Ugly-Understanding-Evaluations/dp/145077847X

Watch this same material presented in slides on YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEWDPsQpG8k